Flippy - I Rant, You Read
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I Hate People Who Brag About Their Macs
Sure, if you want to yammer on and on about spending double what I did and not being able to do anything more on your computer, you go right ahead. I don’t hate you quiet Mac folks, who just go on about your business, using your computer like the tool it is meant to be. I won’t brag about my PC and you won’t brag about your Mac, and all will be right with the world. Mac zealots are like PETA zealots who are like religious zealots. I want all of them to SHUT UP. Zealots of any flavor are annoying. When you blog or post pictures or write on a message board or play fantasy sports or design great artwork or shout obscenities in all caps or talk about your puppy or your kitten...or any other damned thing you do, I don’t care what equipment you use, unless I’m shopping for new equipment. I like that you’re happy with a new computer, just like I like being happy with a new computer. New toys are fun. But you know, you didn’t design it yourself, so quit patting yourself on the back, except for you, Steve Jobs, because you did design it yourself. Pat all you want, you deserve it. The rest of you, even those of you I generally like (this is not aimed at anyone in particular, just a longstanding annoyance and something I came across while reading a new tech blog for work a few days ago), please shut up. And hey, lookie, I was able to say that on my blog, where I put one pixel in front of the other, until they made words. I did it, with a lowly PC.
I swiped this from The Guardian UK, but since I share the author’s opinion, I hope he won’t mind me posting his whole column. If he does, he can email me with his PC and I’ll gladly take it down. It won’t ruin my love for him one iota. Okay, maybe one or two iotas, but I can be bitter like that.
Charlie Brooker
Monday February 5, 2007
The Guardian (if you have time, follow the link and read the comments on the column - they’re delightfully snarky and British)
Unless you have been walking around with your eyes closed, and your head encased in a block of concrete, with a blindfold tied round it, in the dark - unless you have been doing that, you surely can’t have failed to notice the current Apple Macintosh campaign starring David Mitchell and Robert Webb, which has taken over magazines, newspapers and the internet in a series of brutal coordinated attacks aimed at causing massive loss of resistance. While I don’t have anything against shameless promotion per se (after all, within these very brackets I’m promoting my own BBC4 show, which starts tonight at 10pm), there is something infuriating about this particular blitz. In the ads, Webb plays a Mac while Mitchell adopts the mantle of a PC. We know this because they say so right at the start of the ad.
“Hello, I’m a Mac,” says Webb.
“And I’m a PC,” adds Mitchell.
They then perform a small comic vignette aimed at highlighting the differences between the two computers. So in one, the PC has a “nasty virus” that makes him sneeze like a plague victim; in another, he keeps freezing up and having to reboot. This is a subtle way of saying PCs are unreliable. Mitchell, incidentally, is wearing a nerdy, conservative suit throughout, while Webb is dressed in laid-back contemporary casual wear. This is a subtle way of saying Macs are cool.
The ads are adapted from a near-identical American campaign - the only difference is the use of Mitchell and Webb. They are a logical choice in one sense (everyone likes them), but a curious choice in another, since they are best known for the television series Peep Show - probably the best sitcom of the past five years - in which Mitchell plays a repressed, neurotic underdog, and Webb plays a selfish, self-regarding poseur. So when you see the ads, you think, “PCs are a bit rubbish yet ultimately lovable, whereas Macs are just smug, preening tossers.” In other words, it is a devastatingly accurate campaign.
I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs. I even hate people who don’t use Macs but sometimes wish they did. Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng shui.
PCs are the ramshackle computers of the people. You can build your own from scratch, then customise it into oblivion. Sometimes you have to slap it to make it work properly, just like the Tardis (Doctor Who, incidentally, would definitely use a PC). PCs have charm; Macs ooze pretension. When I sit down to use a Mac, the first thing I think is, “I hate Macs”, and then I think, “Why has this rubbish aspirational ornament only got one mouse button?” Losing that second mouse button feels like losing a limb. If the ads were really honest, Webb would be standing there with one arm, struggling to open a packet of peanuts while Mitchell effortlessly tore his apart with both hands. But then, if the ads were really honest, Webb would be dressed in unbelievably po-faced avant-garde clothing with a gigantic glowing apple on his back. And instead of conducting a proper conversation, he would be repeatedly congratulating himself for looking so cool, and banging on about how he was going to use his new laptop to write a novel, without ever getting round to doing it, like a mediocre idiot.
Cue 10 years of nasal bleating from Mac-likers who profess to like Macs not because they are fashionable, but because “they are just better”. Mac owners often sneer that kind of defence back at you when you mock their silly, posturing contraptions, because in doing so, you have inadvertently put your finger on the dark fear haunting their feeble, quivering soul - that in some sense, they are a superficial semi-person assembled from packaging; an infinitely sad, second-rate replicant who doesn’t really know what they are doing here, but feels vaguely significant and creative each time they gaze at their sleek designer machine. And the more deftly constructed and wittily argued their defence, the more terrified and wounded they secretly are.
Aside from crowing about sartorial differences, the adverts also make a big deal about PCs being associated with “work stuff” (Boo! Offices! Boo!), as opposed to Macs, which are apparently better at “fun stuff”. How insecure is that? And how inaccurate? Better at “fun stuff”, my arse. The only way to have fun with a Mac is to poke its insufferable owner in the eye. For proof, stroll into any decent games shop and cast your eye over the exhaustive range of cutting-edge computer games available exclusively for the PC, then compare that with the sort of rubbish you get on the Mac. Myst, the most pompous and boring videogame of all time, a plodding, dismal “adventure” in which you wandered around solving tedious puzzles in a rubbish magic kingdom apparently modelled on pretentious album covers, originated on the Mac in 1993. That same year, the first shoot-’em-up game, Doom, was released on the PC. This tells you all you will ever need to know about the Mac’s relationship with “fun”.
Ultimately the campaign’s biggest flaw is that it perpetuates the notion that consumers somehow “define themselves” with the technology they choose. If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that “says something” about your personality, don’t bother. You don’t have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality. Of course, that hasn’t stopped me slagging off Mac owners, with a series of sweeping generalisations, for the past 900 words, but that is what the ads do to PCs. Besides, that’s what we PC owners are like - unreliable, idiosyncratic and gleefully unfair. And if you’ll excuse me now, I feel an unexpected crash coming.
This week: Charlie watched some episodes of Larry Sanders (on his PC). He played the customised Fawlty Towers map for Counterstrike (on his PC). He listened to the Windows startup jingle every 10 minutes as his PC repeatedly rebooted itself.
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CharlieBrooker
February 5, 2007 1:23 AM
Hello. Charlie Brooker here.
I wrote this piffle. Then it was subbed. And whoever subbed it decided to add a bit describing Doom as “the first shoot-em-up game”.
Words fail me.
They also changed every abbreviation -– so “they’re” becomes “they are” and “it’s” becomes “it is”, and so on—presumably in an attempt to inject a bit more plodding, impersonal joylessness to the whole thing.
Bet they did it on a Mac, too.
Next entry: Wanted: One Fantasy Baseball Team Manager Previous entry: The Mysterious Case of the Magnificent Bladder Switch
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When I worked for the newspaper, I did page layout on the MAC. Love macs for that purpose, and for designing graphics. After that, well, yes, they are expensive paperweights. Nothing is made compatible with them. I cannot game on Mac. Although… I loved Myst. I love Vanguard too, and there just ain’t a Mac version. So I just have the PC… two of them.
We currently have 4 working computers, none of them made by Apple, in this house, for two people.
on 03/21 at 05:40 AM -
We have four computers (and a phone that runs Windows Mobile) that we use here - we each have a Dell desktop & laptop. Not by choice (the brand, that is - I want an Alienware computer because they’re cool looking), but by financial necessity. We had Dell credit when our previous computers were dying of old age. I’ve used two Macs owned by two separate Mac freaks (one, a real freak, the other is nice) and disliked them both. One, because it just felt awkward, but there was nothing wrong with it. The other was dying of old age and kept crashing, but with the dumbest error messages in the history of error messages - Error Message 1, followed by Error Message 2, followed by the crash. Since the messages wouldn’t tell us what was WRONG with the damned thing, we couldn’t figure out how we caused God’s Gift to the Universe to crash.
I like cool looking things. On the face of it, I liked Macs because they were the first computers to come in pretty colors. Now, no pretty colors. This is my next desktop (even though they sold out to Dell...ick) - http://www.alienware.com/product_pages/desktop_all_default.aspx I super customized it and it’ll only cost me about $9k for my dream machine.
on 03/21 at 06:28 AM -
We have some Macs. And some Window$...and Linux and Red Hat and tigers oh my! I know my computer geek husband disagrees, as does my Mac-crazed brother, but I find them all equally annoying, just in different ways. It’s nice to plug stuff in to the Mac and it works right then and there. No downloading and installing new drivers and sitting through endless ‘wizards’, no having to reboot the machine for installations to “take”...but the Mac is great at making straightforward things complicated and obscure, frustrating me to tears, like recently when it refused to print only the 2 paragraphs of text I’d highlighted within a h-u-g-e 75-page document, most of which I didn’t need to print.
I hate them all. Or maybe I’m just in a bad mood. No, I hate them all.
Helly on 03/21 at 11:22 AM -
I agree that we should probably hate them all. No computer is perfect. I’ve never found installing programs to be overly difficult - most of them don’t require a reboot, even though Windows asks you to do it. It can usually wait until you’re good and ready, like when you’re going to bed. The only super tedious thing in recent years was when I upgraded the laptop to Vista. But, I did it while I was watching tv, so I just occasionally looked over at it and click Enter or rebooted.
Ugh, a 75 page document. No one should ever have to look at one of those online, much less print it.
Go to Starbucks. Get yourself an iced, tall or grande, breve latte. One pump of vanilla for the tall and two for the grande. I promise it will cheer you. Don’t look at the nutritional information.
on 03/21 at 11:58 AM -
Um. Sorry? My excitement was more because I was able to buy something that I’ve wanted for so long. I’ve had horrible credit and financial problems - deserved and undeserved - and the purchase was more symbolic of a fresh start than anything. If I came off as a jerk, I apologize. I would never intentionally say anything I have is better than anyone else’s. That’s never been - nor will it ever be - my intent.
on 03/21 at 12:00 PM -
I’ve always used Macs, but that’s because I’m in graphics. In that field they’re the standard, at least so far anyway. I’ve used PCs in office work, and they are clunkier than Macs, but they do their job.
As a Mac user, I’ve felt slightly embarrassed ever since this ad campaign came out. It’s been around for a while here in the US. It’s embarrassing for exactly the reasons the essay articulates. You should buy a Mac because it’s cool? This is the equivalent of artists moving to a neighborhood, which then makes the neighborhood “cool” and attractive non-artists because it has a reputation as an artsy neighborhood. Ech.
Apple has had goofy ad campaigns before. Remember that Apple tv ad from the 1980s?
on 03/21 at 01:57 PM -
Jurgen Nation < If I came off as a jerk, I apologize.> I’m sorry. Really. Stupendously bad timing. Yes, I did write this after reading your blog entry, but but but but, it’s not my first Mac user rant (my first one was probably ten years ago November - how many people do you know who can date their rants?
), and I’m sure it won’t be my last. I did read the Charlie Brooker column last week and wanted to post a link to it. I don’t begrudge you your computer AT ALL. Everyone knows, I LOVE a new gadget (it’s genetic, I think, my dad spends an awful lot of time roaming around Fry’s), but the Mac lover thing bugs me beyond belief. Heh, as if you hadn’t noticed. You are one of my very favorite Mac owners, although I guess one of the ones that doesn’t know me very well and wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me to fuck off and continue to profess your love for your Mac. It’s okay, you can do that. Actually, please do that. I’d feel better about it all.
I have to go take the dogs out now…
on 03/21 at 06:41 PM -
You are SO jealous of me and my super-cool mac household.
You just don’t know it yet.
Mac’s are more popular in Canada. Didya know that?
I’m kidding.
But really. Go ahead and hate me.
jess on 03/21 at 09:38 PM -
Why mess with Dell? You two are very smart. Construct your own. It’s not that hard to do. And I even have a cool case for one of my computers that would give Alien a run for its money with looks- it’s got a clear side and all of the fans have LEDs. And its Cheaper, because you’re only paying for the parts. Newegg.com is my favorite, but occasionally TigerDirect.com does better deals.
Dell Suxxors, as you know. I won’t give them a dime.
on 03/22 at 06:08 AM -
Ok, I am one of those Mac people… However, I do not brag, and do not even know what this thing can do… I think I was excited because I had a very very old computer… and when I began having computer rage, I knew it was time for an upgrade.
on 03/23 at 04:11 AM -
Holy shit… I just read the complete blog.... Looks like I will have to go in the closet about having one of those evil Mac things…
on 03/23 at 04:13 AM -
Kristine - there’s a difference between acting like your computer is God’s Gift to the World and it being God’s Gift to you. I don’t begrudge anyone a nice computer. I just don’t believe the Mac hype. I look at the “reasons to switch” and they’re not accurate, which bugs me.
Georg - Dell customer service sucks. The computers have been fine. I’ve probably jinxed myself now, but we’ve had our desktops for years and they’ve been okay. As for building a computer...not for me. I don’t like to fiddle with the insides. Heck, I don’t even like to read instructions for anything. I just want things to work. Like my laptop - I took it out of the box, plugged it in, and it found our wireless router immediately and I was up & running. (Take that “Get a Mac” people) I’m not a computer geek, I’m an internet geek. Leigh-Ann would be good at putting a computer together, but she doesn’t have the time, so I think she’s happy to just have something ready to use, even if it’s a Dell.
Jess - If you’re not bragging that your Mac is magical, then there’s nothing for me to hate. If you think your Mac is a tool for blogging, surfing, uploading pictures, listening to music, sending email, etc., well then that’s good, cuz that’s what my computer does too. :D
on 03/23 at 05:07 AM -
The Mac thing goes way beyond commercials and artists. Mactivists are everwhere, but thankfully, in small numbers as Macs don’t sell that well. ; )
What really bothers me is when a Mac user interjects the ‘just get a Mac’ line into otherwise sensible online conversations. Worried about online sexual predators? Just get a Mac. Tired of email spam? Just get a Mac. As if Macs are a miracle cure for all that ails the world.
I’ll tell ya what Macs are for. Macs are for wussies. Guys that eat quiche and own scarves. Guys that carry umbrellas and read GQ. Macs are good for ribbon activists. You know, people that prefer statements over substance. People that use phrases like ‘charm offensive’, ‘focus group’ or ‘credibility gap’.
Flames to dev/null
See what you stirred up Flippy? People take this stuff seriously. (I’m not one of them though)
All of the above was written (slightly) tongue in cheek.
DG on 03/23 at 11:32 AM -
Hehe. Thanks for the great read! My boss at work presented me with his brand spanking new iMac on my first day. (He was smiling from ear to ear) Damn thing’s bigger than my TV at home. It took me 4 hours but I finally got it to work the way I want it to..... I restart and hold down the alt button to switch to the windows side!
Kai on 03/24 at 10:10 PM
