Flippy - I Rant, You Read
Monday, November 05, 2007
Britney - C’mere, I’ve got a non-profit that you can help
Did the rest of you read about Britney’s finances? Yeah, I’m reading gossip, but it was on the Huffington Post, so it wasn’t like I could avoid it, right? Heh, like I would. This is the important part of the article, Court papers released Thursday in Britney Spears’ custody dispute with Kevin Federline show she spends lavishly on clothes and entertainment, and doesn’t save or invest any of her roughly $737,000 monthly income. Spears’ monthly expenses include $49,267 in mortgage for two houses, $16,000 for clothes and $102,000 on entertainment, gifts and vacation, according to her financial declaration.
Does that poor girl not have a financial consultant? That kind of money isn’t going last forever. Well, I suppose it really could, if she would invest just a small portion of it. Man, it blows my mind thinking about an income of $737,000 a MONTH. It’s sad that she hasn’t invested anything for her kids (to be fair, it’s not like they’re teenagers or anything - she has a little time) or donated more than $500 a month to charity. I have just the thing for her, the Wee Paws Animal Sanctuary. If she gave us $100,000 a month, we’d make sure that our little rescue did great (er) work, and I’d even set up a trust for her kids’ education with part of that money. Okay, maybe we need a little more - her kids are going to need a lot of money to keep them in Chee-tos and Starbucks. No, seriously, Britney, call me. Send me an email. You can come over and play with the foster kittens, although I’d appreciate it if the paparazzi were ditched somewhere on the Strip. That’s it, go into one of the clubs...and then go out the back door and come over to our house. We have 6-7 Starbucks within five miles of our house, so your non-alcoholic beverage needs can easily be satisfied. It might not be a bad idea to give up on the booze for a while - it hasn’t done you any favors.
C’mon, Brit, let’s build this cat enclosure for our rescues, k? Imagine how much fun you’ll have coming to visit - it’ll be just like a vacation. It doesn’t hurt that we live in Las Vegas, right? We’ll even babysit the boys. We’re totally responsible - the judge would approve. Oh yeah, and if cats aren’t your thing, we’ve got dogs too. And birds. You can teach Blackjack how to say y’all
Even if you don’t help us with our rescues, please get a financial advisor and a second one to make sure the first one doesn’t steal from you. Then, invest...for your future and for your kids’ futures. You’re not going to be able to put out dance albums forever. I do quite like the new one though, and I’m sure it’ll make you a pretty penny. Oh yeah, and do a little something to promote it, why doncha? It’ll make you more money and give you more time to find that financial advisor without ruining your future. Speaking of your future - you could use some new friends, maybe a couple of old lesbians who stay at home a lot and watch hockey games. We’ll even let you in on the Canadian secret that is Cheezies. Yum! Much better than Cheetos. We happen to agree with your Starbucks habit, so that, you can keep.
