Friday, February 04, 2005

late afternoon

Idiot of the Day - Terrell Owens

“It really doesn’t matter what a doctor says. I’ve got the best doctor of all and that’s God.”

Yeah, yeah, God cares deeply about your ankle and the Super Bowl.  It’s right up there on the list with deciding which boxer should beat the crap out of the other.  Right behind, of course, world peace, poverty, natural disasters and the ever rising price of gas.  God is always sayin’, “Screw those starving little children, I’m gonna watch me some football and have me a beer.  You sit right down next to me.  Hey, check out that picture-in-picture—look at those little kids eating dirt.  Hahaha!  Anyway, back to the game.  Who do you like, Eagles or Patriots?  Get this, I was talking to Terrell the other night and I told him his ankle would be fine and what I wanted, above all else in the world, was for him to play that game.  It’s funny who I chose to smite this year, even though they thanked me for every touchdown:  Matt Hasselbeck, David Carr, Kurt Warner, oh, and many others.  But Terrell, God was looking out for you, he was.”

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

evening

Idiot of the Day - Parents Television Council

Really, I’d like to honor them with the Idiot of the Day, Lifetime Achievement Award.  Right now, they’re all upset about smutty MTV --yes, I agree MTV is smutty, but when I read stuff like:  The PTC found fault with the teen-targeted network based on an examination of 171 hours of programing that aired the week of March 20 last year, during its annual “Spring Break” celebration. The analysis, contained in a report titled “MTV Smut Peddlers,” spotted 13 sexual scenes per hour in MTV’s reality series, as well as 32 instance of foul language per hour in its music videos., I just picture them counting those sex scenes over and over and over again, if you know what I mean.  I have something to say to the PTC - if you don’t like it, TURN IT OFF.  If the public doesn’t like it, IT WILL BE CANCELLED.  If your views were shared by the rest of the US, THE SMUT WOULDN’T BE THERE.  We want it there.  We want the smut, the homosexuality (hoyay!), the violence, the blood & gore, the stupidity, the bad language.  The stuff we don’t want to watch, like that creepy Touched By An Angel, we change the channel.  Try it.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

evening

Idiot of the Day - High School Students

Don’t even tell me that this isn’t frightening:  “Yet, when told of the exact text of the First Amendment, more than one in three high-school students said it goes “too far” in the rights it guarantees. Only half of the students said newspapers should be allowed to publish freely without government approval of stories.” —from an article in the Seattle Times

I don’t even know where to begin.  Is it because these kids think that everyone is going to believe exactly as they do, so they’ll only be censoring the “wackos”?  Or maybe they don’t even bother to think that deeply about the question, figuring that it won’t matter in their lives.  Well, kids, listen up!  Unless you want to be living in Nazi Germany where everything was censored and “cleansed” (euphemism for genocide), you’d better start believing in the First Amendment.  And really, unless the government is sanctioning murder & mayhem, how on earth can anyone go “too far” in guaranteeing people rights?

Monday, January 31, 2005

late morning

Idiot of the Day - Simon Cowell

“I’d make it compulsory for every women over 40.”—British music mogul Simon Cowell on plastic surgery.

Okay, yeah, this is kind of old, being a quote from last year and all, but it just appeared in the Las Vegas Review Journal today.  We’re right on top of the news, we are.  Anyway, no man with man-boobs ought to be talking about anyone requiring plastic surgery.  At least no man, outside the comfort of his own home, where one should be able to express their not-so-nice comments...even if they possess a pair o’ man-boobs.

Friday, January 28, 2005

late evening

Idiot of the Day - Columnists PAID to Shill for Bush

This one was too easy.  A third columnist was discovered to have taken money from the Bush Administration for writing pretty words praising government programs.  Geezus, do their employers not pay them enough?  What the hell is wrong with them?  Didn’t taking the money make them feel icky inside, like calling in sick when you really aren’t.  Then again, right after you hang up that phone, the guilt washes off and you can have a nice day.  Perhaps the guilt washed off right after they cashed those Bush Whore Bux.

I don’t have a lot of readers.  I don’t have a lot of influence.  However, if someone would like to pay me to write some columns about crappy Bush programs that don’t work, well, I’m going to have to think long and hard about it...and take the cash.  I’ll write “Just kidding” or “Not!” at the end of each column though.  But I want the cash that Armstrong Williams got, $240,000.  Mike McManus should be so embarrassed by the measly 10k he got.  Even Maggie Gallagher got $21,500.  If I’m going to sell my soul, it better at least be enough payola for some desert landscaping in the front yard and some lawn for the pooches in the back.  Poor, poor, Mike McManus.  He has to call his mom and tell her that he sold out, for ten thousand bucks.  And Armstrong got almost a quarter of a mil.  Armstrong’s mom is bragging how important her son is and Mrs. McManus is watching the 700 Club and praying for a smarter boy.