Flippy - I Rant, You Read

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

the wee hours

Study Finds Severe Chronic Pain Increases Death By 68%

While this study isn’t a big surprise to people who live with chronic pain, I’m sure it’s a surprise to those who don’t.  What I liked best about the posting of this study though, is the comments.  When you grow up being Jewish, you kind of feel like you’re a member of a small group who either knows each other or at least knows someone who knows someone else, and then somehow you feel semi-related.  It was the same when I realized I was gay.  It’s the same small group around the world who understands what your life experiences might have been.  Well, now we’re part of the chronic pain group, and the comments on the study are like comments we could’ve written ourselves.  I wouldn’t have thought that it would be so difficult to find people who could empathize with people who are in pain, day in and day out, but it really is hard to find them in your regular everyday life.  People often think you should suck it up or quit complaining or they think it can’t be that bad…and those are the people you want to magically feel that chronic pain for at least a couple of weeks, where you feel like it’s never going to go away.  Everyone knows what acute pain feels like, but most people just heal from that pain and move on, never thinking that other people are in that kind of pain every single day.  So, anyway, the commenters on the study are more of “my people”, like Jewish people and gay people and, well, people who think Joss Whedon is genius or that Siobhan Magnus should’ve won this season of American Idol.

I’m not going to quote from the study.  If you’re interested, you’ll go to the link and read it.  If you’re not interested, you’ll skip over anything I quoted anyway.  However, knowing what chronic pain (and fatigue) has done to my life, I’m not at all surprised that people with chronic pain die sooner than those without.  Some of those deaths, I’m sure, include suicide.  I’m one of the lucky ones who has found a pain management doctor who isn’t afraid of pain meds and understands that people can take opioids responsibly, without getting addicted and without getting high.  Like one of the commenters said, our pain meds DON’T make us high, they go straight to the pain receptors and work there.  I can honestly say that I’ve never been high from my opioids.  Not once.  The meds either work and relieve the pain without any sort of high or they do absolutely nothing. (Opioids Relieve Pain with Little Addiction Risk - and when they say “little addiction risk”, they mean it - .27%, yes, point two seven percent, as in way less than 1%) Oh, and the very first time I had my dosage increased, they made me incredibly nauseous and I, uh, lost those pills very shortly after I took them, if you know what I mean.  The sewer system full of anti-depressants suddenly had some pain meds added to their mix.  You know what drug made me high (for a few days anyway)?  Lyrica.  I was woozy and had to hold onto the railing when going up and down the stairs.  Lyrica also made my feet swell like balloons and made me fall asleep at the drop of a, well, anything.  And, Lyrica didn’t do diddly for my Fibromyalgia, so I quit taking it after a month or two of very unpleasant side effects.  The “high” was gone after a couple of days, and it ws also an unwelcome high.  I just wanted pain relief and I wasn’t getting it from Lyrica.  I’m glad Lyrica helps some FM sufferers, but I’m not one of them.  It just gives me Fred Flintstone feet and doesn’t allow my shoes to fit.  It was a lot of money to pay for a drug that made me sleepy and swollen.  I’m glad that I’ve found a combination of medications that help me feel somewhat better.  Unfortunately, they don’t make me feel like the old me - I’m still in pain and I’m still exhausted.  But, at least the pain is more manageable, because if I didn’t have any pain management, I wouldn’t be sticking around and hoping for an answer to both the pain and the fatigue.  I’d be one of 68%.  I know that for a while, I had high blood pressure, which had never been a problem for me.  It’s fine now, so I assume it was during an extra bad pain/fatigue period.

I still think Siobhan Magnus should’ve won American Idol.  I think she got kicked off based on some of that fine print that allows the producers to do whatever they want with the voting results.

Friday, June 19, 2009

lunch time

Ugh, Fibro Crash

I knew that I was due to crash (although I was hoping I wouldn’t) after a couple weeks of steady appointments and driving all over the city, and then Coffee Fest…where we only spent maybe two hours.  I thought things were going kind of badly when we got home on Sunday, but then we still had to get Kevin/Cody to the airport on Monday.  And then, when we had to have Eli put to sleep on Tuesday…that really capped it all off.  I’ve pretty much slept almost straight through since then, waking up only to feed the dogs and get the dogs out.  I had two appointments yesterday that I had to bail on, because I just couldn’t fathom being able to get out of bed, shower, and drive to both appointments.  My body just said “no”, and my head had no choice in the matter.  I’d been feeling kind of decent, for me lately, the past couple of weeks, so I’d hoped it would continue.  It did not.  I can’t even blame it just on the stress of losing Eli, although that was really, really awful…and still is.  (I wish Dante understood English, so we could tell him what happened to Eli - he seems so sad and confused) It was just too much, too close together, and too much driving - all in all, just too much.  If we get kicked out of our house, I hope I’m able to get up out of bed.

Friday, June 05, 2009

early evening

Drug Addiction Accusations - My Doctor’s (and his staff’s) Response and my pharmacist’s response

Recently, I was accused of faking Fibromyalgia, having unnecessary surgery, and being a drug addict.  Since none of those accusations are true, I had no qualms about bringing up the accusations with my pain management doctor of 2.5 years (I’ve seen him once a month since November of 2006, when I realized that my pain wasn’t cured by my back surgery in April of 2006) and one of the pharmacists I’ve seen at least once a month since I started taking pain meds, several months before my herniated disk surgery.  I know that many Fibromyalgia patients go through the same things with their family members, so I figured I’d write about my experience, as I’ve written about most of my chronic pain issues.  I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to be taking pain meds, and I think that if someone wants to accuse me of faking illnesses and of being a drug addict, it’s certainly my right to discuss these issues publicly.  I didn’t think it adequately addressed the situation just telling my doctor that a family member was accusing me of being a drug addict, without including the exact accusations.  So, I culled them from a couple of emails and printed them out for my doctor (and pharmacist) to read.  I’m not afraid of anyone taking a closer look at the medications I’m prescribed, my behavior when they see me every month, or really anything related to my prescriptions.

These statements were written to me, supposedly out of “concern”, but like the doctor’s office staff said (and I agree), what was written was just plain mean.  This is what I printed out for the doctor/pharmacist to read:  So I expect you will write again “Go Away” let you be with your pills… your next dose, your denial….. I know you will… it’s what I expect right now.  Forget the family Nancy, everyone that knows you and is in contact with you knows you have a drug problem and they are CONCERNED about it.  You have hit bottom.  Yes, I am an alcoholic and the first step to healing is to admit you have a problem.  YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND IT WILL DESTROY YOU.  This is coming from CONCERN not ABUSE.  If you were completely rid of all of the drugs that are in your body you would totally agree.  I have a very close nit group of people in Los Angeles that I have been consulting with about addictions to opiates(2 doctors in that group). One of my very close lady friends passed away 2 years ago, in her sleep, from mixing the same kind of drugs for a long period of time.  If you were honest with your Doctors, and if they are good Doctors they would be on high alert about all of the over the counter and prescription drugs you are using.  I AM WRITING THIS OUT OF CONCERN NOT ABUSING YOU.  Your life has been lived in a bubble.  You don’t understand the realities of what you are heading towards.  No amount of money, the security of a home, friends and family can help you at this point. I know that 90% of your thoughts are about your next pill to help you wake up or help you fall asleep, help you get through the day. I KNOW THIS WILL MAKE YOU ANGRY - I AM CONCERNED.  Maybe you don’t know what it is like to care about someone just because… I know you will be angry again, your partner will be vicious.  Leigh-Ann knows you have a drug problem. 

I told my doctor that my sister-in-law was accusing me of being a drug addict and I wanted him to read what she had to say.  He tried to be nice, saying that maybe she was “concerned”, but he said that if he felt that any of that was true, I wouldn’t be sitting there in front of him - he would’ve sent me to another doctor for rehab.  He said that he’s always felt that Leigh-Ann and I have always behaved responsibly and have never shown any signs of addiction.  I’ve never needed an early refill of my meds (in fact, the prescription that he wrote for me last week, I put on hold at the pharmacy because I have enough left from my last prescription), I’ve never “lost” a prescription, I’ve never asked for an unreasonable dosage increase (most opioid users develop a tolerance and will end up needing a dosage increase eventually), I’ve never come into his office appearing any different from my very first visit even though every time I see him (or anyone else), I’m medicated, and I’ve never failed any of the surprise drug tests that I’ve been given.  I signed a “drug contract” (see page 2 of the PDF) with his office, and have abided by all the conditions set forth by the office to remain a patient.  All of my opioid prescriptions are written at that office, I don’t drink alcohol with my medications, I don’t take more than prescribed (or I wouldn’t have been able to put my new prescription on hold), I get my prescriptions filled at one pharmacy, and every month I have to fill out a lengthy form to let him know how I’m feeling, what I’d like to discuss, and every single medication I’ve taken that month, including over-the-counter medications like Benadryl and Advil.  I also let him know what medications I’ve taken in my clinical trials, have had the clinical trial doctor fax him my blood work and my EKGs, so he’s aware of every single aspect of my medical care and how it might affect what he prescribes.

I knew that when I gave him the printed out accusations, it would give him the opportunity to question me and to really think about what I take and how it affects me.  I wasn’t the slightest bit worried about shining a spotlight on my medication usage because I know that I take my medication for its proper use, pain relief.  My medication never gets me “high”, nor does it change how I behave.  It either relieves my pain or it doesn’t.  If I’ve taken too much (when I’ve gone to a higher dose), instead of making me “high”, it actually makes me nauseous.  I’ve tried a wide variety of narcotics to relieve my pain, but many of them do absolutely nothing (the morphine-based medications) or they’re too expensive and I can only get them when I have insurance coverage (my pharmacy coverage is only $500, so it’s usually January & February where I get to have my preferred medications) or when I have extra money.  We discussed how he wasn’t happy with the medication I was taking because he’d prefer to have me on a longer acting drug w/ a shorter acting one only for breakthrough pain.  My preferred medication is a Fentanyl patch because it slowly releases the pain meds over a two day period, giving me better pain relief and none of the pain/less pain rollercoaster than I’m on right now with Oxycodone.  However, he knows the only reason I’m taking a medication that requires dosing every six hours is because it’s the cheapest medication I can get that works for me.  I did try Methadone for a month (it’s only $15 or so a month), but the side effects activated my weird bladder problem, so I had to quit taking it after a month.  If a “concerned” someone wanted to pay the $300 difference between the Fentanyl patch and the Oxycodone, I’d jump at it.  I’d be thrilled to have a long-acting pain medication, but I just can’t afford it.  I can’t even afford to try the new Opana ER, just like I can’t afford Oxycontin (most people don’t know the difference between Oxycontin & Oxycodone, but we can just leave it at, I can’t afford Oxycontin) or the Fentanyl patch.  I’ve also tried all of the non-narcotic supposed Fibromyalgia meds like Lyrica.  The side effects of Lyrica made it impossible for me to continue taking, and it’s also not the miracle drug that the commercials would have you believe that it is.  Anyway, it made my feet swell up so much that I couldn’t wear shoes, plus it made me so tired that I fell asleep sitting in the bathroom.  I already have so much fatigue from the FM that I don’t really need anything adding to that.

My doctor isn’t some back alley drug pusher.  He’s a board certified pain management specialist (as is every doctor in his office), and he’s also the Medical Director of Summerlin Hospital’s Rehabilitation Center, and the Chairperson of the Patient Safety Committee.  He’s a stickler for the “rules” and makes sure that his patients aren’t going to get him in trouble with the DEA.  I’m not worth losing his license to practice medicine, so he wouldn’t let me slide by just because it’s easier to write a prescription to make me go away.  He said that he would be willing to discuss anyone’s “concern” regarding my medications if they made an appointment to see him.  Whether or not he’d charge his regular fee of $95, I don’t know.  I didn’t ask.  We also discussed how so many people freak out when they read about people dying from taking Oxycontin.  However, the reason people die from taking Oxycontin is due to abuse…and combining it with alcohol.  I don’t abuse my meds and I don’t combine them with alcohol.  My doctor has seen me approximately 30 times in the past two and a half years.  The last time the person who accused me of being a drug addict saw me was on Xmas Eve.  And before that, I don’t even recall, but it was months before that.  Unfortunately, Leigh-Ann and I have had really bad FM flares due to all the stress we’ve been under (let’s just say that accusations of drug abuse, faking illnesses, and stealing people’s pets…don’t help), so we haven’t been to most family functions for the past year.  We’re not out partying, we’re not avoiding people, we’re sick.  We conserve what little energy we have for the things that we absolutely have to do, like get groceries and go to the doctor.  So, who would have a better grasp of how I’m doing, my board certified doctor who sees me every month, or a recovering(?) drug addict/alcoholic who has seen me once in probably close to a year?  Oh yeah, and not to mention, my partner, who sees me every single day.  Do any of you who know us think that Leigh-Ann would let me abuse drugs without doing something about it?  No, of course not!  She knows what I take, when I take it, and she sees that it relieves some of my pain…and doesn’t make me “high”.

I also let one of women at the doctor’s office read the “accusations”.  She, too, sees us every single month and has been working at that office since before we started going there.  She read the accusations and thought they were ridiculous and “mean”.  She kept repeating it over and over, “That’s so mean!”

Finally, I took the paper in to my pharmacist to read.  Her mouth was literally hanging open in shock while she read everything.  She repeated what I said earlier in this lengthy diatribe - I don’t “lose” my prescriptions, I don’t get early refills, I don’t come in “shaking”, and unlike many of her customers, I never tell her that I’m in a hurry to get a prescription.  In fact, if it’s late or she’s busy, I tell her to fill other people’s prescriptions before mine, because I can wait, and I don’t want her to have to ever stay late or rush because of me.  I’ve never freaked out because they had to order the meds because they didn’t have enough in to fill the prescription.  Oh, and I let one of the regular pharmacy techs read the accusations, too.  She laughed and said, “No, a drug addict is the people who say they’re weaning off a drug, and then come back in two weeks because they’ve run out.”  Believe me, they see their share of drug addicts at the pharmacy.  I can honestly say, with a clear conscience, that I’m not one of them.  Not one single person who I showed the accusations to has even had to think about it before rejecting it as ridiculous.  Also, I’m pretty sure that an actual drug addict wouldn’t be showing that to every Tom, Dick, & Harry, because it’s naturally going to make people think about it more if they have any doubt whatsoever.  No one has any doubts about my use of pain meds.  I use them properly and carefully.  In fact, I tried to get my mom to go with me to my last doctor’s appointment, so she could discuss it with him if she wanted…she said that she didn’t want to go, because she didn’t think I had a problem.  Now, don’t you think my mother, of all people, would be one of the people most concerned about me if she thought there was a problem?  Now, if my mom, my partner, my doctor, and my pharmacist aren’t worried, I think I can safely say that no one else should be accusing me of being a drug addict.

One more thing that I’d like to add - I discussed with the doctor that the person making the accusations was a recovering drug addict/alcoholic (this is something she wanted to post in a comment, so it’s not something I’m making public that she wasn’t willing to do on her own), and his opinion was that a person who uses/used drugs to get high or as an escape or whatever, probably couldn’t understand other people being able to use narcotics responsibly, as prescribed.  I don’t have a single speck of an addictive personality or gene or whatever causes drug addicts or alcoholics to use substances to get high versus relieve pain or go to sleep or relieve anxiety or whatever use a particular medication has.  I have medication left over that he prescribed for me in August of last year to help me deal with my fatigue.  It’s medication that an addict wouldn’t be able to let sit unused in a drawer somewhere, but I didn’t like how it made me feel, so when I didn’t absolutely need it to function, I didn’t take it.  I have more than half of the bottle left, and when I take any of it, I take a tiny little portion of what was prescribed.  I actually took all of my prescriptions with me, so the doctor could do a med count if he wanted.  He said that it wasn’t necessary.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

mid-afternoon

What would *you* do?

Let’s say, out of the blue, someone accuses you of faking something.  People are accused all the time of faking resumes and job histories to qualify for high-paying positions, and their motivations are obvious.  But, what happens if someone accuses of you faking being sick, and of faking your health symptoms to cause an unnecessary surgery?  What would you do?  Ignore them?  Stay away from them?  Tell them off?  Report them to the manners’ police?  Write a blog entry that they can’t answer?  Question their intelligence?  Or, mostly wish they would go away…forever?  I don’t think there’s much worse for an FMS patient than stress, and what’s more stressful than being accused (by someone you love) of faking being sick?

I’ve had financial problems since about six months after my back surgery, which was almost three years ago.  For awhile, things were okay while Leigh-Ann was working for IFAW and I was working at Newstex.  However, in August of last year we were unexpectedly unemployed at the same time.  In general, we both need jobs with very flexible schedules because we never know how we’ll feel, although when we feel good, we’ll sometimes work 15 hours at a stretch.  It averages out… we may only work three days a week, but we still put in a 40 hour week like a “normal” person.  Neither one of us can stand all day or even sit all day, so we can’t just run out and apply at Starbucks (even though the delightful smell would cheer me).  I’ve been accused of spending “thousands of hours” on the computer, which supposedly constitutes proof that I don’t really suffer from carpal tunnel, either.  The truth is that when I work at my own pace I can take as many breaks as I want, use an ergonomic keyboard, apply ice packs to my hands, etc.  At home, I have the luxury of being kind to my body in way that I can’t in a conventional office setting. At home, I live a life that only Leigh-Ann sees and that absolutely no one else is in the position to judge.  How can you know how I live my day-to-day life if you only see me half a dozen times a year for a few hours at a time?

Blah, blah, blah.  I don’t know why I’m bothering to write anymore.  Apparently when I write about my health, it harms “the children” (the 18+ year old “children” who don’t live at home anymore) because they’ve had a drug addict & alcoholic in their lives.  I guess I’m supposed to censor myself so they don’t see anyone who might really be truly ill, versus someone who faked ailments to get prescription meds.  This person doctor-shopped, stole a doctor’s prescription pad, and spent time in prison & rehab, whereas I’ve had the same two doctors (my world-renowned back surgeon and my board certified pain management/physical rehabilitation doctor) for more than three years; plus, a clinical study doctor that we’ve been seeing for the past 18+ months, for a variety of clinical studies related to the side effects of our my meds (yes, we tested those constipation meds for you, and for months we made daily phone calls describing the consistency of our poop, as determined by the official Bristol Stool Scale, which is, admittedly, a little embarrassing and a lot funny…go to the link) and a study of Reboxetine for helping with the pain & fatigue of Fibromyalgia.

In fact, we were starting to see a difference with the FMS trial med, except during the double-blind trial, our doses were too high, so we suffered from some icky side effects like excessive sweating and the inability to get to sleep.  We were really excited when we’d finished the double-blind phase of the trial and could go into the extended trial that was supposed to last 66 weeks, which let us start with 4mg of Reboxetine for two weeks, then gradually move to a higher dose if we felt we needed more.  We’d just finished the second week of the trial when we found out that Pfizer was suddenly cancelling the trial without any notice, so we never got to find a dose that helped relieve some of the pain & fatigue, but didn’t cause the cruddy side effects.  Our doctor was so impressed with the results she was seeing from the trial (some people were able to get off of disability and go back to work – and obviously, some people were totally miserable because they were getting a placebo and they’d weaned off their meds to get into the trial, which is what Leigh-Ann did) that she wrote us a check at our last visit, so we could order the meds from a Canadian pharmacy (the drug is available in just about every country, except the US, because there was some kind of trademark problem here), because she knew that we were in the trial to find the “miracle drug” (that’s what Lyrica has been touted as, but it doesn’t work for most FMS patients and the side effects of weight gain, swollen ankles/feet, and extreme drowsiness really limit how many people can even tolerate taking it for a trial period) that would help us not need our other meds, and she wanted to be sure we had a chance to try Reboxetine at the proper dosage for us.  How many doctors have you ever heard of giving patients personal checks to buy their meds?  I’ll bet the answer is NEVER.  She wants to help us find the one med that will help us get our previous lives back.  Does that sound like someone who might be worried that I’m faking my symptoms?

I’ve never “lost” a prescription or needed an early refill or any of those things that drug addicts do.  I pass all “surprise” drug tests required by my pain management specialist.  I take my meds as prescribed.  They don’t alter me, and not only can a stranger not tell when I’ve taken my meds, Leigh-Ann can’t even tell when I’ve taken my meds.  (She probably can tell when I’m due for meds because of my pain complaints.  But, I put up with her complaints, she puts up with mine, it evens out).  Regardless, is it doing “the children” any favors to prevent them from seeing that a person can take prescription medication out of necessity, and responsibly?  Isn’t it good for them to see that drug addicts and abusers are a tiny minority of the population?  It’s kind of like the home schoolers who never let their kids read anything but the Bible; it doesn’t make the real world go away.  At some point, “the children” will be faced with a need for pain medication, whether from an injury, illness, or surgery, and it would be terrible if their fear of medication makes them avoid treatment.  What if one of “the children” ends up in a relationship with a person who develops a chronic pain issue?  Shouldn’t we be teaching them to be compassionate instead of judgmental?  Why can’t I be a good example for them, instead of something to be hidden away like an embarrassing secret?  Yeah, the past couple of years have been difficult and I haven’t attended as many “family events” as the family members who live within a few blocks of each other, but I figured that being ill was punishment enough.  I guess we were keeping score.  The family goes out to breakfast early every Saturday morning, and in general, I feel like crap early in the morning when we’re keeping the same schedule as most people.  Because it takes hours and hours for my meds to kick in before I even feel strong enough and pain-free enough to shower, it would mean that I would have to get up at 2am to be at breakfast by 8 or 9am.  So, that’s why I don’t go most of the time.  Once, about a month ago, they changed the time to afternoon, so we could go and at the last minute, we got a phone call changing the time to something like two hours earlier, which meant that we couldn’t go.  Also, not once has anyone ever suggested that maybe we could have a breakfast or lunch closer to where we live, to make it easier on us.

To be honest, I’ve always hated getting up early, so even if I was healthy, I wouldn’t have been thrilled with going out early on a Saturday morning when I don’t even have an appetite, nor do I feel like talking to anyone.  I’m not a morning person, have never been one, and now with being sick, my schedule is usually backwards because I start to feel good late in the evening and my bedtime is generally the time other people are getting their day started.  My last job was perfect because I made my own schedule, but it also meant I was online when everyone else was just getting to work or when the foreign clients were still awake.  So, except for my schedule being inconvenient for my family members, it works for me.  But, oh, I’m the bad child because I miss family get-togethers – never mind that I miss them because I don’t feel well.  I’m not going out and partying and blowing the family off – I’m either asleep (yes, “children”, I sleep a lot because Fibromyalgia patients generally don’t get restorative sleep, so we don’t wake up refreshed and ready to start the day like a teenager) or I’m in pain.  When we felt better, we went out more, and we even occasionally went to early morning breakfasts.  However, with the added stress of financial problems, we’ve gotten worse, so our symptoms are worse, which means we stay home most of the time.  It’s not like we go out to other places – we go to the doctors’ appts., to the grocery store, and to the library.  Whoo hoo, party time!  Before I was sick, I went to every single one of my nephews’ baseball games, no matter how cold, no matter how hot, I was there.  I don’t miss them because I’m drunk or passed out or in jail or in rehab or with a new boyfriend or because I’m scrounging around looking for someone to find me drugs.  I AM SICK!  I’m sorry if this is inconvenient to YOUR lives, but you know what, it’s a hell of a lot more inconvenient to MY life.  Hey, if you hate your life and you’re jealous that I “get” to stay home, that’s your own issue to deal with.  I’m at home because I’m sick, because I have an illness that causes pain and severe fatigue.  No, I don’t exercise like I should, because right now, I don’t have the energy to exercise.  I don’t even have the energy to eat properly or to shower regularly, so I’m sorry that I’m not the Fibromyalgia Gym Queen.  You’re going to have find yourself another FMS patient who’s feeling better to fulfill your FMS exercise fantasies.  I get severe sciatica (sharp shooting pains into my butt cheeks) just from picking weeds in the yard, which has me sitting on ice packs for a couple of weeks.

I never thought I’d ever want to cut family members out of my life, but then, I never thought any family members would accuse me of faking pain to have back surgery (check out the “Diary of Herniated Disk” for the very obvious results of my MRI, if you’d like) or faking Fibromyalgia.  I was told that I fake Fibromyalgia because Leigh-Ann has it, and like all “drug seekers”, I learned to fake the symptoms.  Oooh, how original of me, huh?  Where’s my Academy Award for fooling three different doctors?  I could’ve picked almost any ailment, and I could’ve done it at any time, but I chose something that usually comes on from a very stressful physical event (like surgery) or extended stressful time period (like, uh, foreclosure), and I waited until I’d been living with Leigh-Ann’s FMS for 9 years before I decided that it looked like so much fun.  Yes, being fatigued and in pain seemed like such a good time that I didn’t want to be left out.  I’m such a follower (insert eyeroll here) that I’d even waste $100/month on a doctor, upwards of $400/month on meds, just so I could be like Leigh-Ann.  If all I’d wanted was to get high and zone out, I could’ve spent a few bucks on Mike’s Hard Lemonade.  Instead, I spent my money on pain patches that don’t have any high, and nerve pain meds (like Neurontin & Lyrica) that don’t have any high, they all just cost a small fortune.  I can count the number of drinks I’ve had in the past two years on one hand - our alcohol gets thrown out for being old before it’s gone because neither of us particularly likes any of it, but also because we’ve been told by our doctors not to mix our medications with alcohol, so we don’t.  Yep, that sounds like a person wanting to be ill, so they can “pill pop” and get high, huh?

Finally, if you don’t believe I’m sick, oh well.  It’s not your life, so don’t worry about it.  I know the truth, my partner of 11+ years knows the truth, my doctors know the truth, and my friends know the truth.  I don’t need the stress of a family member playing doctor and second-guessing the actual doctors who went to medical school…and the people who actually see me or even talk to me.  Although, hell, even a five year old could look at my MRI and see the difference between the healthy disks and the one that’s oozed out and over onto the nerves.  But then, a five year old has better things to do than question whether or not someone else needs surgery.  Or a five year old might ask his brother, the chiropractor, what his opinion was when he saw the MRI – to help you out, so you don’t even have to click on the link, he said, “Oh, that looks bad and I don’t think there’s any way that you won’t have to have surgery” or something along those lines.  So, the family expert on backs thought I would need surgery, but nonetheless, I didn’t WANT surgery, so I tried more chiropractic and some nerve root blocks, but I just kept getting worse.  Worse, like you know when your feet start losing feeling in them?  That kind of worse.  I guess I should’ve sucked it up and lost feeling in both my legs to avoid the super fun of surgery.  Because, who needs to walk or drive a car?  Or take care of the horrible pain?  Go ahead, talk to anyone who’s had a herniated disk and ask them how it felt before they had surgery.  Hey, go ask Walt – you can get it directly from a family member who wasn’t accused of faking something.

Bah, I’m sorry to have rambled on like this for my friends who are still reading.  It’s not fair to make you read my pissed off rant at my brother who has accused me of not needing back surgery (three years later – where was he to talk me out of it then?) AND faking Fibromyalgia.  I’m sorry that this came during the week of both of my parents’ birthdays, but I didn’t start it.  I will finish it by having nothing to do with my brother or his wife – why would I want to be around anyone who is accusing me of faking injuries/illness or of damaging “the children” (who are between 18 and 24) by telling the truth on my blog or Facebook account when I don’t feel well (news bulletin, chronic pain sucks and you’re old enough to know about it, because it affects a lot of people…just not your moms, who turned to alcohol and drugs to escape something, not treat something – I’m not one of your moms, and I don’t owe anyone an apology for consistently writing the truth or for needing pain meds to manage my pain) , sometimes the truth isn’t all pretty and tied up with a bow.  I’m not going to apologize for feeling crappy.  I’m not going to apologize for blocking jerks from my email (I’m actually thrilled that until just now, what a surprise when I looked at it!, that our phone hasn’t worked for like a week – all of the lights on the modem have been flashing until just within the last few minutes; nevertheless, the ringer is still turned off) and I’m going to keep my blog comments on moderation only from now on, to keep out all kinds of spammers, related or spamming Viagra from India.  -fin

Monday, March 16, 2009

lunch time

Oh no, this baby panda has fibromyalgia

(not really, it’s just a baby panda being a baby panda - it’s so cute and so sad at the same time)