Sunday, May 20, 2007

late at night

The Best Search String to EVER Find My Blog

flippy+against+the+happy+world - is that awesome, or what?

evening

Everything Hurts

I feel like crap.  Cricket is sick - constipated, we think.  I used up my whole two hours of energy today worrying about her, and hoping we could get her to go to the bathroom.  Then, exhausted, I went back to bed.  But, in bed, I’m hot and I’m cold and I’m sore.  I want to stop time so I can catch up and feel okay.  I can’t get anything done like this.  I have no appetite.  I keep trying to figure out if there’s really something physically wrong with me, if I’m depressed, if I just need to eat something.  I don’t care about doing anything, watching anything on tv, reading any blogs or the news.  I need to work, but my energy level is zip.  I was mostly feeling semi-okay until I got sick on Wednesday, so I’d have to assume that has something to do with it.  Although, since I started working full-time, I’ve been getting sicker and more sore.  Right now my legs are aching and I’d just like to cut them off - no position is comfortable; not sitting or sleeping.  Just writing this feels pathetic, but I don’t even care about that.  Ack, and Dante is barking outside, so I’d better go yell at him.  Fix me while I’m gone, okay?

Update: Cricket feels better.  She’s barking at Dante barking outside.  She ran up and down the stairs.  And, she pooped!  Yay!  I guess she just had an upset stomach for some reason.  She was still eating and drinking, and she wasn’t vomiting, so it wasn’t an emergency; however, she has that scroungy little dog way of looking so so sick.  She wanted to sit in my lap and get pets.  She would stand and hold one of her front paws in the air, as if her paw hurt.  But, it didn’t.  There wasn’t anything wrong with her paw, but it helped her show that yes, she was sick.  As for me, I got some more meds in me, had a piece of steak and some applesauce, and I feel almost human.  I haven’t had much of an appetite all week, so I checked the scale again.  Remember a few months ago, when I lost weight without trying?  Yep, it happened again.  This time, close to 15 pounds.  Sure, it’ll come back in a couple of days probably, but that’s when I know that I’m hating life, when I’m losing weight by accident.  I would be a really really bad sick person, because when I was laying in bed earlier, I couldn’t picture myself doing anything else.  I didn’t care about anything.  So, if anything worse happens to me than being in chronic pain and being chronically fatigued, I’m not going to be one of those brave people you hear about, who never complain.  I will spend every bit of energy I have left complaining.  I won’t be brave.  I won’t be courageous.  I won’t think about anyone else but myself.  I’m just warning you now.  I will lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, cycling silent complaints through my brain.  Of course, life could be better, and I’d really really REALLY appreciate it.  I promise that I won’t take having a modicum of energy for granted.  I can’t even remember back a few years, when I felt moderately okay.  Being a sick grownup sucks ass.  At least when you’re a sick kid, you don’t have any responsibilities.  You don’t have to work.  You don’t have to worry that you’ve been sick for five days and haven’t earned a dime.  You just complain, sleep, complain, watch tv, and complain.  So, I think I should have a choice, either be sick and not have any responsibilities, or be well, dammit.  I’m sick of being sick.  Although, I suppose this points at something physical versus something mental.  When I got some meds and some food in me, I became just the same crabby sickish person I’ve been for the past 18 months.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get some work done.  While this whining has felt kind of good, it hasn’t accomplished anything.

the wee hours

I’m Just Sooooo Exhausted

I guess it’s good that my throat barely hurts anymore, but now I feel like I’m tired for no reason.  Yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that, I was sick, and when you’re sick, you’re expected to be tired.  But, I’m just so endlessly tired.  Like I’m walking in quicksand.  I just want to cry and go to bed.  I laid down on the couch for a little bit, and when I got up to come into the bedroom to lay down, I apparently terrified the cats.  I didn’t even make any weird noises, except for my toes cracking, but they always do that.  Anyway, the cats all PANICKED, and ran in different directions.  I’ve now found everyone but Scampi, but he’s probably under the couch that I’d just left.  TJ was squished under the ramp, at the very very back end of it.  I finally coaxed him out, and Tie out from under the bed.  Now, TJ is just laying (out in the open, GASP!) just behind my desk.  Maybe I should see if Scampi has appeared too.  Bing was behind the couch, and she came over to see me, but not close enough where I could touch her.  After all, I could’ve been a monster who knew her name somehow.  Frank was roaming around trying to round up his children, but had even less luck than I did.  He finally just gave up and laid down in the hallway.

So, I’m going to bed to read The Radioactive Boy Scout, and when I get up, I will feel energetic and good.

This is Tie, demonstrating how to hide under the ramp.  TJ did a better job though, and you couldn’t even see his paws.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

early evening

If Michael Moore (or George W. Bush or Dick Cheney) Want To Donate Money to My Medical Bills

If you don’t know the story yet, you will.  It’s part of Michael Moore’s new documentary, ”Sicko”, about HMOs.  One of his harshest critics, Jim Kenefick, who owns MooreWatch.com needed money for his wife’s healthcare.  An anonymous benefactor came forward with $12,000.  Yep, that “anonymous” person was Michael Moore, who included his “generosity” (publicity?) at the end of the documentary.  It was both a crappy thing to do, and a nice thing to do.  Although, in the end, it does prove Michael Moore’s point about the cost of an average person’s medical care and what people have to go through to pay those costs.  Want to see my stack of bills?  I’m not even deathly ill, but I’m now chronically ill, which makes the bills endless.  I started the year with two co-pays (those were wiped out in the first two weeks of the year), a $500 deductible for pharmaceuticals (which I reached within a month), and a $500 MAXIMUM for pharmaceuticals, which I reached at the end of March.  Now, everything I pay for my doctors, my tests, my medicine, is all out of pocket.  That $100 - $200 for doctors’ visits, and $500 - $600 for meds, although I’ve cut back on my Protonix because I can’t afford it.  I want to look into methadone for pain because it’s so dirt cheap, but I’m afraid of the physical dependency.  I’m not afraid of addiction, but physical tolerance is physical tolerance, and there’s nothing you can do about it.  So yeah, if my biggest enemies wanted to pay for my healthcare, I’d certainly be happy to take the money.  I’d thank them for the help, but still retain the right to dislike them for other reasons.  (I do not want money from people I know.  Period.  I will reject the donations of anyone who’s ever met me for lunch or a hockey game.  I’m looking for multi-millionaire benefactors who need a nice medical write-off)

terribly early in the morning

Kristine’s Meme ‘Bout Books

Total # of books owned - Lots and lots.  More than a thousand, less than ten thousand.  I don’t like to give away my books, and in general, I don’t even like to loan them out.

Last book read - I can’t remember the last book I read.  Since we started working on our commission tier, we’ve done a lot less reading.  It’s kind of crappy, because I miss reading every night before bed.  Anyway, I started a new book today that Leigh-Ann already read.  So far, I’m really enjoying it.

Duh, just remembered the last book I read.  It’s a good one too! 

Five Books that mean a lot to me -

Replay doesn’t really mean a lot to me, it’s just a lovely fantasy that I don’t mind reading over and over.

Hmmm, I thought this meme seemed familiar.  I did it two years ago, and shockingly (No!), my answers are pretty much the same.  When I realized that it was seeming awfully familiar, I stopped, and I shall now link you to the original.  If any of you would like to do this meme, and you haven’t done it yet, by all means, do it.  It’s always interesting to read about people’s favorite books.  Go read about Kristine’s.