Flippy - I Rant, You Read
Monday, May 21, 2007
the wee hours
The Best Search String to EVER Find My Blog
flippy+against+the+happy+world - is that awesome, or what?
Sunday, May 20, 2007
late at night
Everything Hurts
I feel like crap. Cricket is sick - constipated, we think. I used up my whole two hours of energy today worrying about her, and hoping we could get her to go to the bathroom. Then, exhausted, I went back to bed. But, in bed, I’m hot and I’m cold and I’m sore. I want to stop time so I can catch up and feel okay. I can’t get anything done like this. I have no appetite. I keep trying to figure out if there’s really something physically wrong with me, if I’m depressed, if I just need to eat something. I don’t care about doing anything, watching anything on tv, reading any blogs or the news. I need to work, but my energy level is zip. I was mostly feeling semi-okay until I got sick on Wednesday, so I’d have to assume that has something to do with it. Although, since I started working full-time, I’ve been getting sicker and more sore. Right now my legs are aching and I’d just like to cut them off - no position is comfortable; not sitting or sleeping. Just writing this feels pathetic, but I don’t even care about that. Ack, and Dante is barking outside, so I’d better go yell at him. Fix me while I’m gone, okay?
Update: Cricket feels better. She’s barking at Dante barking outside. She ran up and down the stairs. And, she pooped! Yay! I guess she just had an upset stomach for some reason. She was still eating and drinking, and she wasn’t vomiting, so it wasn’t an emergency; however, she has that scroungy little dog way of looking so so sick. She wanted to sit in my lap and get pets. She would stand and hold one of her front paws in the air, as if her paw hurt. But, it didn’t. There wasn’t anything wrong with her paw, but it helped her show that yes, she was sick. As for me, I got some more meds in me, had a piece of steak and some applesauce, and I feel almost human. I haven’t had much of an appetite all week, so I checked the scale again. Remember a few months ago, when I lost weight without trying? Yep, it happened again. This time, close to 15 pounds. Sure, it’ll come back in a couple of days probably, but that’s when I know that I’m hating life, when I’m losing weight by accident. I would be a really really bad sick person, because when I was laying in bed earlier, I couldn’t picture myself doing anything else. I didn’t care about anything. So, if anything worse happens to me than being in chronic pain and being chronically fatigued, I’m not going to be one of those brave people you hear about, who never complain. I will spend every bit of energy I have left complaining. I won’t be brave. I won’t be courageous. I won’t think about anyone else but myself. I’m just warning you now. I will lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, cycling silent complaints through my brain. Of course, life could be better, and I’d really really REALLY appreciate it. I promise that I won’t take having a modicum of energy for granted. I can’t even remember back a few years, when I felt moderately okay. Being a sick grownup sucks ass. At least when you’re a sick kid, you don’t have any responsibilities. You don’t have to work. You don’t have to worry that you’ve been sick for five days and haven’t earned a dime. You just complain, sleep, complain, watch tv, and complain. So, I think I should have a choice, either be sick and not have any responsibilities, or be well, dammit. I’m sick of being sick. Although, I suppose this points at something physical versus something mental. When I got some meds and some food in me, I became just the same crabby sickish person I’ve been for the past 18 months. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get some work done. While this whining has felt kind of good, it hasn’t accomplished anything.
