Flippy - I Rant, You Read
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
late morning
Two Heads Are Better Than One
Monday, November 14, 2005
evening
The Anniversary of Magi
Oone-a duller und ieeghty-sefee cents. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thet ves ell. Und seexty cents ooff it ves in penneees. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Penneees sefed oone-a und tvu et a teeme-a by boollduzeeng zee grucer und zee fegeteble-a mun und zee bootcher unteel oone’s cheeks boorned veet zee seelent impooteshun ooff perseemuny thet sooch cluse-a deeleeng impleeed. Bork bork bork! Three-a teemes Della cuoonted it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Oone-a duller und ieeghty- sefee cents. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Und zee next dey vuoold be-a Chreestmes. Um gesh dee bork, bork!
Zeere-a ves cleerly nutheeng tu du boot flup doon oon zee shebby leettle-a cuooch und hool. Su Della deed it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Vheech insteegetes zee murel refflecshun thet leeffe-a is mede-a up ooff subs, sneeffffles, und smeeles, veet sneeffffles predumeeneting.
Vheele-a zee meestress ooff zee hume-a is gredooelly soobseeding frum zee furst stege-a tu zee secund, teke-a a luuk et zee hume-a. A foorneeshed flet et $8 per veek. It deed nut ixectly begger descreepshun, boot it certeeenly hed thet vurd oon zee luukuoot fur zee mendeecuncy sqooed. Bork bork bork!
In zee festeeboole-a beloo ves a letter-bux intu vheech nu letter vuoold gu, und un ilectreec boottun frum vheech nu murtel feenger cuoold cuex a reeng. Elsu epperteeening zeereoontu ves a cerd beereeng zee neme-a “Mr. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Jemes Deellinghem Yuoong.”
Zee “Deellinghem” hed beee floong tu zee breeze-a dooreeng a furmer pereeud ooff pruspereety vhee its pussessur ves beeeng peeed $30 per veek. Noo, vhee zee incume-a ves shroonk tu $20, thuoogh, zeey vere-a theenking sereeuoosly ooff cuntrecteeng tu a mudest und unessoomeeng D. Boot vhenefer Mr. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Jemes Deellinghem Yuoong ceme-a hume-a und reeched hees flet ebufe-a he-a ves celled “Jeem” und greetly hoogged by Mrs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Jemes Deellinghem Yuoong, elreedy intrudooced tu yuoo es Della. Vheech is ell fery guud. Bork bork bork!
Della feenished her cry und ettended tu her cheeks veet zee pooder reg. She-a stuud by zee veendoo und luuked oooot doolly et a grey cet velkeeng a grey fence-a in a grey beckyerd. Bork bork bork! Tumurroo vuoold be-a Chreestmes Dey, und she-a hed oonly $1.87 veet vheech tu booy Jeem a present. Um de hur de hur de hur. She-a hed beee sefeeng ifery penny she-a cuoold fur munths, veet thees resoolt. Um de hur de hur de hur. Tventy dullers a veek duesn’t gu fer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Ixpenses hed beee greeter thun she-a hed celcooleted. Bork bork bork! Zeey elveys ere-a. Oonly $1.87 tu booy a present fur Jeem. Her Jeem. Muny a heppy huoor she-a hed spent plunneeng fur sumetheeng neece-a fur heem. Sumetheeng feene-a und rere-a und sterleeng--sumetheeng joost a leettle-a beet neer tu beeeng vurthy ooff zee hunur ooff beeeng oovned by Jeem.
Zeere-a ves a peeer-gless betveee zee veendoos ooff zee ruum. Perheps yuoo hefe-a seee a peeer-gless in un $8 flet. Um de hur de hur de hur. A fery theen und fery egeele-a persun mey, by oobserfeeng hees refflecshun in a repeed seqooence-a ooff lungeetoodinel streeps, oobteeen a feurly eccoorete-a cuncepshun ooff hees luuks. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Della, beeeng slender, hed mestered zee ert. Um de hur de hur de hur.
Sooddenly she-a vhurled frum zee veendoo und stuud beffure-a zee gless. Um gesh dee bork, bork! her iyes vere-a sheening breelliuntly, boot her fece-a hed lust its culur veethin tventy secunds. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Repeedly she-a poolled doon her heur und let it fell tu its fooll lengt.
Noo, zeere-a vere-a tvu pussesseeuns ooff zee Jemes Deellinghem Yuoongs in vheech zeey but tuuk a meeghty preede-a. Oone-a ves Jeem’s guld vetch thet hed beee hees fezeer’s und hees grundffezeer’s. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Zee oozeer ves Delle’s heur. Hed zee qooeee ooff Sheba leefed in zee flet ecruss zee eurshefft, Della vuoold hefe-a let her heur hung oooot zee veendoo sume-a dey tu dry joost tu depreceeete-a Her Mejesty’s jooels und geeffts. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Hed Keeng Sulumun beee zee juneetur, veet ell hees treesoores peeled up in zee besement, Jeem vuoold hefe-a poolled oooot hees vetch ifery teeme-a he-a pessed, joost tu see-a heem ploock et hees beerd frum infy. Bork bork bork!
Su noo Delle’s beooteeffool heur fell ebuoot her reeppling und sheening leeke-a a cescede-a ooff broon veters. Um gesh dee bork, bork! It reeched beloo her knee-a und mede-a itselff elmust a germent fur her. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Und zeen she-a deed it up egeeen nerfuoosly und qooeeckly. Bork bork bork! Oonce-a she-a feltered fur a meenoote-a und stuud steell vheele-a a teer oor tvu spleshed oon zee vurn red cerpet. Um de hur de hur de hur.
Oon vent her oold broon jecket; oon vent her oold broon het. Um de hur de hur de hur. Veet a vhurl ooff skurts und veet zee breelliunt sperkle-a steell in her iyes, she-a floottered oooot zee duur und doon zee steurs tu zee street. Um de hur de hur de hur.
Vhere-a she-a stupped zee seegn reed: “Mne-a. Suffruneee-a. Heur Guuds ooff Ell Keends. Um gesh dee bork, bork!” Oone-a fleeght up Della run, und cullected herselff, punteeng. Medeme-a, lerge-a, tuu vheete-a, cheelly, herdly luuked zee “Suffruneee-a.”
“Veell yuoo booy my heur?” esked Della.
“I booy heur,” seeed Medeme-a. “Teke-a yer het ooffff und let’s hefe-a a seeght et zee luuks ooff it. Um de hur de hur de hur.”
Doon reeppled zee broon cescede-a.
“Tventy dullers,” seeed Medeme-a, leeffting zee mess veet a precteesed hund. Bork bork bork!
“Geefe-a it tu me-a qooeeck,” seeed Della.
Ooh, und zee next tvu huoors treepped by oon rusy veengs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Furget zee heshed metephur. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! She-a ves runseckeeng zee stures fur Jeem’s present. Um de hur de hur de hur.
She-a fuoond it et lest. Um de hur de hur de hur. It soorely hed beee mede-a fur Jeem und nu oone-a ilse-a. Zeere-a ves nu oozeer leeke-a it in uny ooff zee stures, und she-a hed toorned ell ooff zeem inseede-a oooot. Um de hur de hur de hur. It ves a pleteenoom fub cheeen seemple-a und cheste-a in deseegn, pruperly prucleeeming its felooe-a by soobstunce-a elune-a und nut by meretreeciuoos oornementeshun--es ell guud theengs shuoold du. It ves ifee vurthy ooff Zee Vetch. Es suun es she-a sev it she-a knoo thet it moost be-a Jeem’s. Um gesh dee bork, bork! It ves leeke-a heem. Qooeeetness und felooe-a--zee descreepshun eppleeed tu but. Tventy-oone-a dullers zeey tuuk frum her fur it, und she-a hoorreeed hume-a veet zee 87 cents. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Veet thet cheeen oon hees vetch Jeem meeght be-a pruperly unxeeuoos ebuoot zee teeme-a in uny cumpuny. Bork bork bork! Grund es zee vetch ves, he-a sumeteemes luuked et it oon zee sly oon eccuoont ooff zee oold leezeer strep thet he-a used in plece-a ooff a cheeen. Bork bork bork!
Vhee Della reeched hume-a her intuxeeceshun gefe-a vey a leettle-a tu proodence-a und reesun. Bork bork bork! She-a gut oooot her coorleeng iruns und leeghted zee ges und vent tu vurk repeureeng zee refeges mede-a by generuseety edded tu lufe-a. Vheech is elveys a tremenduoos tesk, deer freeends--a memmut tesk.
Veethin furty meenootes her heed ves cufered veet teeny, cluse-a-lyeeng coorls thet mede-a her luuk vunderffoolly leeke-a a troount schuulbuy. Bork bork bork! She-a luuked et her refflecshun in zee murrur lung, cereffoolly, und creeticelly. Bork bork bork!
“Iff Jeem duesn’t keell me-a,” she-a seeed tu herselff, “beffure-a he-a tekes a secund luuk et me-a, he’ll sey I luuk leeke-a a Cuney Islund churoos gurl. Boot vhet cuoold I du--ooh! vhet cuoold I du veet a duller und ieeghty- sefee cents?”
Et 7 oo’cluck zee cuffffee-a ves mede-a und zee fryeeng-pun ves oon zee beck ooff zee stufe-a hut und reedy tu cuuk zee chups. Um gesh dee bork, bork!
Jeem ves nefer lete-a. Della duoobled zee fub cheeen in her hund und set oon zee curner ooff zee teble-a neer zee duur thet he-a elveys intered. Bork bork bork! Zeen she-a heerd hees step oon zee steur evey doon oon zee furst fleeght, und she-a toorned vheete-a fur joost a mument. Um de hur de hur de hur. She-a hed a hebeet fur seyeeng leettle-a seelent preyer ebuoot zee seemplest iferydey theengs, und noo she-a vheespered: “Pleese-a Gud, meke-a heem theenk I em steell pretty. Bork bork bork!”
Zee duur oopened und Jeem stepped in und clused it. Um de hur de hur de hur. He-a luuked theen und fery sereeuoos. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Puur felloo, he-a ves oonly tventy-tvu--und tu be-a boordened veet a femeely! He-a needed a noo oofercuet und he-a ves veethuoot glufes. Um gesh dee bork, bork!
Jeem stupped inseede-a zee duur, es immufeble-a es a setter et zee scent ooff qooeeel. Hees iyes vere-a feexed upun Della, und zeere-a ves un ixpresseeun in zeem thet she-a cuoold nut reed, und it terreeffied her. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! It ves nut unger, nur soorpreese-a, nur deesepprufel, nur hurrur, nur uny ooff zee senteements thet she-a hed beee prepered fur. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! He-a seemply stered et her feexedly veet thet pecooleeer ixpresseeun oon hees fece-a.
Della vreeggled ooffff zee teble-a und vent fur heem.
“Jeem, derleeng,” she-a creeed, “dun’t luuk et me-a thet vey. Bork bork bork! I hed my heur coot ooffff und suld becoose-a I cuooldn’t hefe-a leefed thruoogh Chreestmes veethuoot geefing yuoo a present. Um de hur de hur de hur. It’ll groo oooot egeeen--yuoo vun’t meend, veell yuoo? I joost hed tu du it. Um de hur de hur de hur. My heur groos evffoolly fest. Um de hur de hur de hur. Sey `Merry Chreestmes!’ Jeem, und let’s be-a heppy. Bork bork bork! Yuoo dun’t knoo vhet a neece-a-- vhet a beooteeffool, neece-a geefft I’fe-a gut fur yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!”
“Yuoo’fe-a coot ooffff yuoor heur?” esked Jeem, lebureeuoosly, es iff he-a hed nut erreefed et thet petent fect yet ifee effter zee herdest mentel lebur. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!
“Coot it ooffff und suld it,” seeed Della. “Dun’t yuoo leeke-a me-a joost es vell, unyhoo? I’m me-a veethuoot my heur, eeen’t I?”
Jeem luuked ebuoot zee ruum cooreeuoosly. Bork bork bork!
“Yuoo sey yuoor heur is gune-a?” he-a seeed, veet un eur elmust ooff ideeucy. Bork bork bork!
“Yuoo needn’t luuk fur it,” seeed Della. “It’s suld, I tell yuoo--suld und gune-a, tuu. It’s Chreestmes Ife-a, buy. Bork bork bork! Be-a guud tu me-a, fur it vent fur yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Meybe-a zee heurs ooff my heed vere-a noombered,” she-a vent oon veet sooddee sereeuoos sveetness, “boot nubudy cuoold ifer cuoont my lufe-a fur yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Shell I poot zee chups oon, Jeem?”
Oooot ooff hees trunce-a Jeem seemed qooeeckly tu veke-a. He-a inffulded hees Della. Fur tee secunds let us regerd veet deescreet scrooteeny sume-a incunseqooenteeel oobject in zee oozeer durecshun. Ieeght dullers a veek oor a meelliun a yeer--vhet is zee deefffference-a? A mezeemeteeciun oor a veet vuoold geefe-a yuoo zee vrung unsver. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Zee megee bruooght felooeble-a geeffts, boot thet ves nut emung zeem. Thees derk essershun veell be-a illoomeeneted leter oon. Bork bork bork!
Jeem droo a peckege-a frum hees oofercuet pucket und throo it upun zee teble-a.
“Dun’t meke-a uny meesteke-a, Dell,” he-a seeed, “ebuoot me-a. I dun’t theenk zeere’s unytheeng in zee vey ooff a heurcoot oor a shefe-a oor a shempuu thet cuoold meke-a me-a leeke-a my gurl uny less. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Boot iff yuoo’ll unvrep thet peckege-a yuoo mey see-a vhy yuoo hed me-a gueeng a vheele-a et furst. Um de hur de hur de hur.”
Vheete-a feengers und neemble-a ture-a et zee streeng und peper. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Und zeen un icsteteec screem ooff juy; und zeen, eles! a qooeeck femeenine-a chunge-a tu hystereecel teers und veeels, necesseeteting zee immedeeete-a impluyment ooff ell zee cumffurteeng pooers ooff zee lurd ooff zee flet. Um de hur de hur de hur.
Fur zeere-a ley Zee Cumbs--zee set ooff cumbs, seede-a und beck, thet Della hed vursheepped lung in a Bruedvey veendoo. Beooteeffool cumbs, poore-a turtueese-a shell, veet jooelled reems--joost zee shede-a tu veer in zee beooteeffool funeeshed heur. Zeey vere-a ixpenseefe-a cumbs, she-a knoo, und her heert hed seemply crefed und yeerned oofer zeem veethuoot zee leest hupe-a ooff pussesseeun. Bork bork bork! Und noo, zeey vere-a hers, boot zee tresses thet shuoold hefe-a edurned zee cufeted edurnments vere-a gune-a.
Boot she-a hoogged zeem tu her busum, und et lengt she-a ves eble-a tu luuk up veet deem iyes und a smeele-a und sey: “My heur groos su fest, Jeem!”
Und zeem Della leeped up leeke-a a leettle-a seenged cet und creeed, “Ooh, ooh!”
Jeem hed nut yet seee hees beooteeffool present. Um de hur de hur de hur. She-a held it oooot tu heem iegerly upun her oopee pelm. Zee dooll preceeuoos metel seemed tu flesh veet a refflecshun ooff her breeght und erdent spureet. Um de hur de hur de hur.
“Isn’t it a dundy, Jeem? I hoonted ell oofer toon tu feend it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Yuoo’ll hefe-a tu luuk et zee teeme-a a hoondred teemes a dey noo. Geefe-a me-a yuoor vetch. I vunt tu see-a hoo it luuks oon it. Um de hur de hur de hur.”
Insteed ooff oobeyeeng, Jeem toombled doon oon zee cuooch und poot hees hunds under zee beck ooff hees heed und smeeled. Bork bork bork!
“Dell,” seeed he-a, “let’s poot oooor Chreestmes presents evey und keep ‘em a vheele-a. Zeey’re-a tuu neece-a tu use-a joost et present. Um de hur de hur de hur. I suld zee vetch tu get zee muney tu booy yuoor cumbs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Und noo sooppuse-a yuoo poot zee chups oon. Bork bork bork!”
Zee megee, es yuoo knoo, vere-a veese-a mee--vunderffoolly veese-a mee--vhu bruooght geeffts tu zee Bebe-a in zee munger. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Zeey infented zee ert ooff geefing Chreestmes presents. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Beeeng veese-a, zeeur geeffts vere-a nu duoobt veese-a oones, pusseebly beereeng zee preefilege-a ooff ixchunge-a in cese-a ooff doopleeceshun. Und here-a I hefe-a lemely releted tu yuoo zee unefentffool chruneecle-a ooff tvu fuuleesh cheeldree in a flet vhu must unveesely secreefficed fur iech oozeer zee greetest treesoores ooff zeeur huoose-a. Boot in a lest vurd tu zee veese-a ooff zeese-a deys let it be-a seeed thet ooff ell vhu geefe-a geeffts zeese-a tvu vere-a zee veesest. Um de hur de hur de hur. Oo ell vhu geefe-a und receeefe-a geeffts, sooch es zeey ere-a veesest. Um de hur de hur de hur. Iferyvhere-a zeey ere-a veesest. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zeey ere-a zee megee.
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Happy 8th Anniversary, Leigh-Ann. I’m sorry that this blog entry (and Pickup Stix) are your only anniversary gifts. I tried to sell my hair to buy you a watch, but the pawn shop looked at me like I was crazy. Go figure. Want a Lortab? Some Skelaxin? A Lyrica? It sounds purty, don’t it?
I was going to write something sappy, but this is so public and all. So, people reading, insert many Hallmark sentiments - they’ll all be true. You know, except for the “Happy Graduation” and “Congratulations on your Bris” ones. Forget about those.
Also, happy anniversary to my parents. If I’m counting correctly, it’s 53 years, right? If I’m not counting correctly, I’m sure you’ll let me know. 
Your gift is in the mail. Hey, Leigh-Ann and I spent more on you guys than we spent on ourselves. Uh, not much though. But again, the sentiment was there.
evening
The Healing Regresses More Each Day
I was hoping that the pain in my leg was just an anomaly and I was going to get right back to being virtually pain-free again. Alas, it is not to be. The pain and numbness in my left leg is getting progressively worse again. The weakness is the same, the bladder is regressing back to maybe a week ago. I can’t believe I’m actually looking forward to hearing from the pain management doctor about my lumbar injection. The thing I wanted to avoid, I’m now begging to have. I even called the doctor’s office (I hate making phone calls) to check on when this lovely event might happen to take place. I had to leave a message. Ptooey.
Work has gone into the toilet lately. Our biggest affiliate company has basically disappeared, which not only affects what we sell now, but they still have thousands of dollars from previous sales. I’m thinking about applying for disability, although I find that completely depressing. But, I can’t stand for any length of time. I can’t sit for any length of time. I can’t drive for any length of time. I’d be the worse employee ever. “Sir/Madam, may I sit on an ice-pack at my desk? Also, maybe I go to the restroom numerous times per day? How do you feel about pain pills on the job?” I miss being normal. I miss being able to exercise to lose weight. I fear that one of the side-effects of Lyrica is weight gain. As if I need more to lose on top of the weight I’ve gained from being inactive? Hey, welcome to the “poor me” edition of FlippyOdegard.com.
This is my first “no comments allowed” entry. It’s kind of too pathetic to allow any comments.
Updated: “Second, the impairment must be severe enough that it prevents a disabled individual from working, or, if they continue to work, prevents the person from earning more than $830.00 each month. This amount is referred to by the social security administration as SGA, or substantial gainful activity. It is important to note that this amount is before taxes.”
Well, never mind then. I won’t qualify. Hey, that’s even more depressing. Too rich for disability, too poor for life. And how on earth would someone live on, say, $840/month, before taxes?
Sunday, November 13, 2005
evening
The Calf Pain Returns - Sequel To “The Herniated Disc”
I’m soooooo sad. This morning was the first time I’ve had any bad calf pain (without extended walking) since I was on Medrol. Also, the first time I’ve had noticeable pain at all since I started Lyrica on the night of 11/8. I’ve been really impressed with the Lyrica and had been hoping that it was the answer to not only the herniated disc pain, but the fibromyalgia pain. Well, at least I’m still supposed to be getting in to have the lumbar injection. And to look on the bright side, if I’m still in pain, at least I’ll know if the injection works, right?
Friday, November 11, 2005
evening
Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies
Delicious. The texture of perfect muffin tops.
