Saturday, January 29, 2005

evening

I’m on hold until I come up with a $500 acronym

Idiots (of the Day) will have to behave themselves while I attempt to be creative.  Wish me luck!

lunch time

Mandarin Oranges, I love them so

Oh, I love to eat them every...day and if you ask me why, I’ll say...cuz Dole Mandarin Oranges are the greatest love of all.  The great...est, love, of AAAALLLLL.  My apologies to Oscar Mayer and Whitney Houston.  Scratch that, just Oscar Mayer.  Whitney Houston makes me mad, what with pissing away her talent and staying with that loser of a wife-beating, drug-addicted husband of hers.

Oh yeah, the oranges.  They come in a new big ol’ bottle and I could eat the whole thing in one sitting.  But, I’m not a glutton (usually), so I stop myself.  Darned Vons site didn’t have the picture of my new beloved bottle of oranges, so I faked it.  They look like this.  Yum!

Friday, January 28, 2005

late evening

Idiot of the Day - Columnists PAID to Shill for Bush

This one was too easy.  A third columnist was discovered to have taken money from the Bush Administration for writing pretty words praising government programs.  Geezus, do their employers not pay them enough?  What the hell is wrong with them?  Didn’t taking the money make them feel icky inside, like calling in sick when you really aren’t.  Then again, right after you hang up that phone, the guilt washes off and you can have a nice day.  Perhaps the guilt washed off right after they cashed those Bush Whore Bux.

I don’t have a lot of readers.  I don’t have a lot of influence.  However, if someone would like to pay me to write some columns about crappy Bush programs that don’t work, well, I’m going to have to think long and hard about it...and take the cash.  I’ll write “Just kidding” or “Not!” at the end of each column though.  But I want the cash that Armstrong Williams got, $240,000.  Mike McManus should be so embarrassed by the measly 10k he got.  Even Maggie Gallagher got $21,500.  If I’m going to sell my soul, it better at least be enough payola for some desert landscaping in the front yard and some lawn for the pooches in the back.  Poor, poor, Mike McManus.  He has to call his mom and tell her that he sold out, for ten thousand bucks.  And Armstrong got almost a quarter of a mil.  Armstrong’s mom is bragging how important her son is and Mrs. McManus is watching the 700 Club and praying for a smarter boy.

evening

Arrrghh, I Missed the Bag o’ Crap again

The only night in weeks where I haven’t checked Woot, it’s the infamous bag o’ crap night.  That’s two craps in a row that I’ve missed, under the same mysterious circumstances.  You don’t think they’re watching me, do you?  “We have a GO, Flippy is otherwise occupied, send out the Wooty Crap.” If you think I’m nuts talking about a bag o’ crap, just go to Woot, you’ll understand.  I may be nuts, but it has nothing to do with a bag o’ crap.

Normally, I’m not so much for the red meat.  Some people love steak, I love sushi.  But tonight, we (the girlie and I - must think of what to call her here) needed Double (yeah, DOUBLE) Bacon Cheeseburgers.  And fries.  It was...great.  I won’t need another burger for months probably, but this cheapo burger from Del Taco was worth every penny tonight.  Even Derek, the pesty cat, thought it was tasty enough for finger nibbling.  In doing so, I discovered that he has one sharp tooth on the left side of his mouth.  You might think that odd, me not knowing about his sharp tooth, but we’ve only had him for less than two weeks.

Today, I came out of the blog closet.  Even though I’m in a state of flux here, I thought it was time I actually told people I was doing this.  Since I’m not calling any of them “Idiot of the Day”, I felt sure it was safe.  I often wonder how people feel safe enough to use their full real names.  I have thousands of posts on probably a dozen message boards where most people know my real name, yet here, it feels too personal somehow.  I suppose it’s psychologically like writing, “Dear Diary...” to millions (I have excellent readership fantasies) of people.  Maybe it’s the difference between standing up and making a speech in class or just talking to the kid next to you.  I always hated speeches.  I still hold a grudge from my eleventh grade English class, when I had to do an oral poetry report on Ogden Nash.  Ogden Nash, he rocked.  But for the reports, students graded other students.  The teacher graded us as well, but I think most of us looked to our peers to be more gentle.  Well, I hate standing up in front of a group of people (I took Spanish in college, so I wouldn’t have to take Speech) and talking, so this took great effort on my part.  I was nervous, but I had the whole deal memorized.  The teacher gave me a B+ or something like that, but one evil bitch in my class gave me a C.  She ripped my report apart.  I digress.  I don’t like public speaking, and there you have it.  Oh, and whenever I think about Theresa G, I think bad thoughts.

Hi, my name is Flippy.  I hold a grudge.  Really, pretty much forever.  It’s probably not a part of my charm, but what can you do?  Shhh, don’t tell anyone, but I think it’s genetic and I get it from my mom.  She’ll totally deny it, but it’s so true.

lunch time

Idiot of the Day - Dick Cheney

Hey, check out the dude that dressed inappropriately for the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz.  Which country does he represent again?  Oh yeah, us.  Great.  A multimillionaire can’t find someone to advise him how to dress appropriately, even though the leaders (or their representatives) of EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IN ATTENDANCE managed to figure out how to be somber.  I really just cannot believe that he had his name embroidered on his parka.  It’s something Cartman would do.

You may be wondering about that asterisk up there.  For good reason.  I accidentally wrote “coats” and I thought it was too much trouble to rewrite everything on the picture, so I airbrushed the “s” out and added the * (no, I didn’t add Bush, silly).  Why the stuff in red is fuzzy, I don’t know.  All I know is, I’m no artist, man.  So, if you’d like to hire me for internet work (please do, I’m great with people in email—I don’t even subject them to my politics, I swear), don’t hire me to make graphics, unless you’re looking for 4th grade work.  Although, if you’re looking for that interesting amateurish angle, I’m yer gal.